I meditated for the first time (ever) this morning. It felt different than praying.
It comes naturally to me to operate from a high energy state, even a place of angst, perhaps even panic, mislabeled by me for forever as ‘normal’. I’m just so used to it.
It has felt so natural to me for 34 years to operate this way that I’ve denied it’s significance AND my ability to function in a different way. “What?! Change?! I’ve been doing so good until now!!”
In a way, delving into the depths of my soul while living with grief allowed me to disregard it even more. Brushing it off with the reasoning that I’d already done so much inner work, what else is left to do?
Yet, there still exists this burning place deep inside that deserves more credit than I’ve ever given it, for me to acknowledge it and claim it as being real.
So this morning, as I lay in bed and tried to let my mind hover above my natural state of instensity, I took myself to the place where Hashem, God, is above it ALL.
“Breathe”, I said to myself. “Just breathe and try to feel it, talk to it”.
I didn’t feel calm, yet I wasn’t quite sure what it was I was worried about.
I asked myself what I was supposed to be doing, being and feeling at that moment.
At first I answered, “I’m here for my children.”
The calm didn’t come.
“I’m here to be a wife”. Still nothing.
And then when I worked really hard to focus on my breath, I was able to close my eyes and feel the source of my pacing heart and speak directly to it.
I felt this: I am here to actualize myself and then activate every one and every thing that Gd puts in my path, with calm, and centeredness.
That means every interaction with my husband, my children, my friends and every decision I make does not have to be directed from my negative, ‘normal’ state. It can come from my actualized, calm state.
For a few, very brief seconds it hit me that the way I usually operate may not be serving me best.
The beauty in this fundamental realization is simply knowing that I can function in a way that will make my life and those around me better. Now, all I have to do is figure out how to get there.